Thanking my dearest friend for repeatedly mentioning that ‘self-worth is equal to net worth’. Certain words/ statements make life crystal clear that you are numb by its realization and this is one of them. Self-worth is self-love and when we have this right we have bulls-eyed our net worth.
A simple yet powerful exercise (there may be many more) to gauge net worth (as it is always MONEY) look at your bank balance or look at the relationship that you have with money meaning currency. How do you keep this beautiful, awesome, and lovely fragrance currency in our wallet? How are the notes put straight up or top-down or rolled up? Do you carry a wallet? How old is your wallet and when does it look like and its colour (faded)? How often do you know your money count to the last penny in both wallet and in the bank account?
Most would have experienced that money and bank balance either take long to come or when it comes it goes away quickly. What happens when you have a bank balance or when there is money in your wallet? Some go shopping and later feel guilty/shame on their delightful purchases, and there are few who are constantly unhappy with the amount they have, and then there are some who have the need to spend the last rupee (cent) in their wallet or account. They just can’t hold it.
One more thing how often do you get compliments, gifts, appreciations, and unexpected money? This too is part of money. So, are you smiling whilst receiving it? Are you gracious about it or is there a doubt lingering in your mind regarding the intention of the giver? All this signifies our self-worth with self and with the world.
We may have lost our self-worth/love at a very young age at times it could be at the age of zero when we could have experienced rejection or abandonment or loss or comparison (positive or negative). Since, then we have been looking at re-gaining or maintaining our worth/love – appreciation or attention as we have understood that it’s a function of getting validation that does not come easily and effortlessly.
Our parents may not have given us the right appreciation/attention to help us boost our self-worth. We from that point on stopped doing things that made us happy but concentrated on things that mattered to our parents as their validation and attention were important. This set motion to the creation of a pattern that has been extended to all your relations – self/spouse/lover/ family and friends. The role of your parents has been taken over by the world who reflects our doubts and keep feeding us the same information that ” you not worthy, not good enough.”
The struggle that started at a very young age stays with us till we die and since it’s an unfinished business we come back and perhaps land up doing the same thing once again. We were born pristine but with our surroundings, we just lose our own point of view we lose our self-love. We are constantly trying to improve that which needs no improvement. We suffer from low self-esteem and to make that right we make behavioral changes to please or to fit in not realizing that we are fixing symptoms not the cause. These quick fixes are not permanent and it will wear off gradually making us frustrated and we will go back to believing that, “I am not good enough or else I wouldn’t have to go through this pain, I am not deserving and therefore I can’t fit in.”
Here, we have already stopped trusting ourselves and are in a constant state of confusion and self-criticism; there is so much guilt and shame. We are so off-balanced and have lost our grounding that we think and think and after thinking we think some more. We are burning our calories in meaningless self-doubt and self-criticism, low self-esteem, we are finding avenues to fill the void that is a huge container that never seems to fill no matter what we do. We make simple things complex and keep looking for inner peace. We are constantly comparing ourselves and setting unfathomable benchmarks, we carry so much hurt, anger, rejection, abandonment, pain, sadness, etc that we do not realize that over a period of time we attract illness and dis-eases (note dis-ease happen to us when we in state of some negative emotion for a decade or so).
We are so afraid that we try most time to portrait that we are indifferent to the world or want to become invisible so that no judgment can reach us or we become loud externally but internally crying to become invisible (which we are unable to hear). We can also become people pleaser until we get to the good side of the person’s book, this is to get recognized for our efforts and sacrifices. We can go through the hardship of creating and maintaining relationships in the hope that we will get what we deserve. Over many bad relationships intimate or otherwise, we get so drained and lose our ‘muchness’ (reference from my favorite book/movie Alice in Wonderland) we believe that life is only black or white. We have seen life with so much pain that we can’t stay and allow goodness. Through this chaos, if we receive affection or love without us having to do the drama it becomes so untrue as we are paralyzed when it comes to receiving.
So how does one re-gain self (worth/love)? I will share my understanding.
Self /love worth is my recognition and appreciation of ME. I am the creator’s most priceless beauty and I am awesome. We must understand that our worthiness, our net worth is no person, place, or material-dependent it’s ‘ME DEPENDENT’ and can be determined only by me, there is no one who can do that for me. It is nobody’s job to make me feel worthy/loved or good enough. It’s my ability to stand in front of the mirror and say ‘I LOVE YOU’and that I am alright. Sure, it’s not easy to say kind words to ourselves but it’s not impossible.
Here I must mention that healing or self-work is a 365 days effort. It's doing the rain dance till it rains. Note that changes/shifts happen initially at a micro-level nothing is overnight. It’s like you have sent your car into the factory for a complete reset and that takes time. The universe does not follow our earth's timelines. Few things that I would like to share that has and are my current practice that may assist you and help you to open and to allow guidance to flow into you
Grounding – we are part of mother earth and we are her children and the relationship is based on unconditional love. When we are imbalanced the first thing that goes away is our ground. Here is what you do –
Pran Mudra – the practice of this mudra helps in the balance of both earth and water elements in our body. Practice for daily 20 mins by sitting in the lotus pose (if possible)
Hands underneath your bum (yes that’s correct) this too is a mudra that comes to us with much thanks from Japan through the study of Jin Shin Jyutsu
Walking in the garden bare feet. You could hold the pran mudra while walking
Mirror work (my favorite) – a little tough but very effective. The first time that I noticed my eyes in the mirror was after looking at them for days together and then one day I told my reflection good God you have beautiful eyes. What followed was from that day I have been very often complimented for my eyes. It feels good to hear my echo through others on my eyes. Then I started with I love you and this took time and effort to look into my eyes and say it out loud that ‘I Love YOU’, we are safe and we are protected. I love and accept myself without any judgment.
Mirror work is an integral part of my day I have a conversation at least twice in the day. I compliment myself, I am in gratitude to myself for the day to have been easy and effortless. Most importantly, I am in acceptance of everything good, bad, and the odds that happened throughout the day.
Build self-awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance (be kind to yourself) – this is the easiest and instant rewarding act, investment in this act is almost zero too.
How kind are you to your physical, emotional, and spiritual self? Are you on some kind of addiction (it’s not only smoking, drinking, or substances; it could mean cravings for shopping, food, anger, hatred, disappointment, etc)? How aware are you of your needs, wants, and desires? How freely and fiercely do you express without feeling judged and doubtful? What is that you do to keep your space healthy and peaceful? How often do you hear the body’s need and what is that you bring in the balance? Taking a run to a full day spa or a holiday or a high electrifying weekend or the likes is not the answer to the core issue.
Affirmation – This is a complementary tool and it is gentle on us. Do try with these few for a period of 21 days either writing or saying 21 times in a single sitting. You can take a single statement or all the statements everything is right.
I am worth of being worthy; I love and accept myself without any judgment; I am worthy of love; I am deserving…these a few of my favorites you can make statements of your own. Remember this is your work and everything you do is right. Try them and let me know.
Please note that while we do our work we will find ways to run away we will find ways to protect ourselves (as the body knows things to be otherwise, so it reacts) we will do things for this work to dissolve so that we can say, “told you nothing stays, I am not good enough, etc”, we sometimes enjoy being a victim as there is some gain in that too. My dear ones its best at this moment to just stay put and allow the knowledge to take over and to let the healing/work to happen however little you can do. You are technically at the bottom of the earth/well and only rising from here is the only option. This is no longer your story it is the story of the universe and knows that it’s time to start the rain dance. Fighting or retaliating or overthinking etc will only prolong things as healing is certain and you are ready and your teacher is pleased.
I would like to sum this article with a beautiful quote from ‘The Forty Rules of Love’ by Elif Shafak, “if you want to change the way others treat you, you must first change the way you treat yourself. Unless you learn to love yourself, fully and sincerely, there is no way you can be loved. Once you achieve that stage, however, be thankful for every thorn that others might throw at you. It is that sign that you will soon be showered in roses.“