Yes, I said, “I do FORGIVE you”!! But when I sat and looked back a question cropped up “did I really forgive”. Well for all practical purposes it seems like I did but internally the anger was still there. It didn’t extinguish, it didn’t die, it didn’t make me feel light it just didn’t make me look at you differently. I was angry and, yet I said, “I Forgive”. Oh, what a lie I had lived through with so many relationships – with family to close relationships and friendships.
While growing up I always wondered (amongst other things) what is forgiveness? As it seemed that the exchange of this word seemed to happen a lot between adults – spouse, neighbors, relatives etc. I also heard them say occasionally, “when you forgive, you become taller and wiser”. This statement made me smile and at times I laughed as I would think wouldn’t it be wise to buy a pair of high heel or stilettoes to do the job of becoming tall. I did understand that this was no ordinary word it had some power or magic to make things right.
When I entered adulthood the state of wonderment continued as a new layer was added, which was that ‘what must I feel when I forgive someone? Is there a chemical reaction that happens? If yes, then what would that make me feel? Will there be some sonnet being played in the background? Really, what is this forgiveness that everyone wants to give and receive. In some customs when people embark on a pilgrimage they call close relatives to say, “please forgive me, if I have done you wrong”. I can’t help but to think if it was wrong then why did you do it to begin with.
In relationship’s too I have gone through this phrase ‘please forgive me’ and I was then expected to snap out of the situation. This expectation of behavioral change was also something I could not fathom and had difficulty in responding. It’s not that I haven’t said sorry but there too when the person said I forgive you, I would still not be at ease as mustn’t I rejoice then why are we getting into the same argument or similar discussion causing disharmony. What is wrong with me? If I am ok and I regret my behavior, then why am I repeating the same. Also, when asking why do I not feel the pain for my action why can’t I understand the pain caused to my friend/partner. It’s not that saying sorry or being apologetic is difficult but the fact that the situation is repeating either I am asking or the opposite person asking for forgiveness continues.
